My Own Private Battle . . . and Victory

I debated about whether or not to post about this. Not because I am ashamed or think I should be in anyway, but because it is personal and I know there are very mixed feelings about how certain things should be treated. But, I know that having someone I consider to be one of my closest friends gave me the courage to be alright with getting help and figure if my story can help anyone else, it's worth it.

So for awhile now, I've been having some serious issues with getting to sleep, crying at the drop of a hat, and just generally not really recognizing myself. I think I was able to put on a pretty good face in front of friends and family, but I hated the fact that I felt like I was and that I felt like I had to. It wasn't protecting them from anything and in the long run it really wasn't helping me, but it still went on for a few months. There was lots to blame it on - we've been under huge amounts of stress at work, there are a lot of weeks that I had very little free time, and there really wasn't what felt like a lot of that time coming up. It doesn't matter if you're schedule is packed with fun things or not so fun things, you really do need to get a break sometime. So I finally decided to go to the doctor and get help.

Even though I wanted to be wrong, I wasn't surprised when I was told that I was suffering from depression. There is still a certain stigma to that diagnosis which makes it hard to share. I think as women in general we feel like we should be superwomen. As Latter-Day Saint women, there is additional guilt and worry when you feel that way. We know we are here to be happy. We know that reading our scriptures, going to church, going to the temple, praying, etc. are going to help you with that. But what happens when you don't have the energy to even do that, so you are faced with additional guilt on top of the depression? That's where I was and I hated it and couldn't live like that anymore. I was able to remember a talk I was once able to attend from one of the Apostles (don't remember exactly which one) that was all about depression and coping with it whether you are the one with it or part of their support system, which is so important to have. She gave me a prescription for Ambian to help me sleep, but with the instructions to only take it when I knew I could sleep at least 8 hours, which for me is only on the weekends. Then she gave me a prescription for Wellbutrin, but then realized I shouldn't be on it be3cause I have a history of seizures. Apparently this can trigger that again, which I definitely don't want. So she put me on Prozac. This is where in my mind I kind of started to freak because it is a medication everyone's heard of and, in my mind, I didn't get the impression that people thought highly of people who were on it. This was part of the issues with my mind. Again, I remembered my friend's story and how much it had helped her. I knew there was a reason she talked to me about this before I went through this because without her I don't know if I would have had the courage to take this step, which was something I truly, truly needed. With that in my mind, when my doctor asked me how I felt about being put on this, I could say I didn't mind and knew I needed the help.

It took some time for the pills to really get into my system, but it has made a huge difference. I am feeling more and more like myself again. Looking back, I can really see how much I felt like I was hiding, when I didn't need to. I feel like I can function again. I did see a change in my sleep where I would wake up at really random times in the night, which was new for me. The night before I went back to the doctor I woke myself up in the middle of the night with a heart-racing panic, which I don't remember ever happening to me. When I told the Doctor, she informed me that this was a very clear sign of a chemical imbalance. She took me off the Ambian, which even though she only gave me ten of them, I still had some left and it really had Mom worried that I was on it. Instead, she put me on Trazadone to help me sleep. Fortunately for me, I have worked with enough clients who know they are feeling better and decide to go off there meds to know that this doesn't work. I don't have a problem being on them because I know it's something I need right now. I also know it's not a permanent thing. Fortunately, I am with a doctor that I trust so I don't have a problem following through with her recommendations. She is very thorough in her explanations and will answer all of my questions with the good and bad options so I can make an informed decision.

I realize that this is not the answer for everyone. I know there are holistic methods to deal with depression that others prefer and I have no issues with that. I also know, I was not in a place where I could do the research on it and feel comfortable with any decision I made. This was the answer for me. It was very much the answer I needed. Depression is something I have to cope with at this point in time and it's not something I ever that I would ever have to deal with as the patient. Don't take it as I've ever considered anyone with depression as weaker or that they are doing something wrong or anything like that. I just never thought it would be me. I think that's how anyone feels with just about any diagnosis.

My point in writing this is not to say look at me or ask for sympathy, but because I know there are others out there who may have a similar experience to mine and maybe this will help them. I am so grateful to know there is help out there. I am so grateful for what's been created to help. There is power in taking care of your spiritual side, but sometimes it's just not enough. There's no need to feel guilty or like you're doing something wrong. You're not. You are loved and you are not, ever, alone. This was a little bit difficult to write, mainly because I keep crying which makes it hard to see the screen. I think it was therapeutic for me at the same time. So, thank you so very much to my friend for sharing her experience with me and giving me the strength and courage to be okay with it. I really don't know if I could have done this without her, and it was starting to get too hard to live what looking back I felt like was a lie.